February 23rd, 2010 by The Watermelon Guy

ANDREW ASKS: Dear watermelon guy: If you love watermelon so much, why don’t you marry it?

weddingGood question, Andrew. I do love watermelon, probably more than I love any other fruit or vegetable. Some people would call my love of watermelon “fanatical” or “extreme” or “borderline obsessive.” But I think it’s a healthy obsession, not only because watermelon is a healthy food, but because out of all the things I could be obsessed with, it could be worse. For example, I once knew a girl who was frighteningly obsessed with a certain boy band. It was scary. We almost held an intervention for her, but the band broke up and she moved on to other pursuits.

As for the second part of your question – about watermelon and I living together in wedded bliss – I’m afraid that’s just not possible. First of all, I’m already married to a wonderful woman who happily supports my watermelon obsession. But even if I wasn’t married, there’s the whole issue of societal norms and whether or not it’s even legal to marry a watermelon. I’m pretty sure it isn’t, at least not in my state.

But even if it was legal AND socially acceptable to wed fruits and vegetables, I still wouldn’t take the plunge, mainly because I could never dedicate myself to just one watermelon.

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